I want to live!

I find it amazing how so much time and effort can be put into something, and one day, one hour, can completely destroy it. I ask myself why, over and over again, why is this happening now? What am I supposed to do? I suppose everyone has days or weeks like that. Where life just feels like hell, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. That's the worse part for me, knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do, that everything is out of my control. I don't know how to push forward, to keep going, to fight what I'm feeling. I guess that is the only thing I can control, is how I react to life. What sucks is the fact that I reach a point where I just don't want to push anymore. I just want a chance to breathe, a chance to try and enjoy life. Enjoy where I am and what I'm trying to accomplish. But there never seems to be time for that. Well, until I snap and just refuse to do anything because I can't take it anymore. That's what happened today. I didn't wake up till 11:30, completely missed my calculus study session (I have a test Monday), and just ate a lot of chocolate and watched a movie. Best day I have had in ages and I don't regret it. Usually I would, but right now I just don't care. I'm tired of not being able to breathe, move, or think without feeling pressure and expectations. I have no idea how to fix that but I can't live like this anymore. I want to find joy in what I'm doing and who I am. I don't know what I have to change in myself to accomplish that, but something needs to change. I refuse to live like this. I just ate a Dove chocolate and the wrapper says, "Engage, embrace, enjoy". That is exactly what I want to do, and somehow I'm going to find the way. 

Pieces of Me

I find it amazing how much the past influences my life. A friend of mine would say that the past only affects me as much as I let it, and while that is true, I also find my past shapes who I am today. Indeed, the shadow my life casts upon the ground of time can sometimes be a better representation of who I am now, then the physical form the world sees. I sometimes wish I could let go of some of the things I've been through and just forget they ever happened. I viewed my life's shadow as being burdened by these things, distorted, in pain. And while sometimes the pain is still there, I now strongly feel that if I were to completely remove these things from myself, I would leave gaping holes in my soul. My shadow would not only be distorted, but incomplete and torn. I wouldn't be me. And while that may at times sound appealing, I do not think I would like the person I would be without those experiences. In the past month, I have had to face a lot of things that I thought were distortions and it has been a very challenging experience for me. I've had to learn what things are okay to hold onto and what things need to be let go. That's the hardest part, letting go. It's interesting how I don't want to let go of things that harmed me in the past. It doesn't make any sense, but I know it's true. I don't know why I make it so hard. I think it's because I want to change what happened and save some of the things I lost, some of the people I lost. I see just shells of who I once knew and loved. Actually, I take that back, I still love them; very much. But they are not the same people. I just hope that one day I will be able to look back on these experiences and recognize them for what they are; blessings. I have been shaped and molded into the person I am today because of the things I've experienced. Without all of these things, I would be an incomplete person, I would be missing pieces of myself. So this is a thank you to those individuals in my life who have helped me fill and find those pieces of myself that I couldn't see, or was afraid to seek on my own. I love you all, for who I was, and for who I'm becoming.

Spiritual Awakenings

I had the chance to spend the weekend with my two favorite uncles in the whole world and an aunt that is such a sweetheart and a fantastic cook. I loved going to their home, it was such a spirit booster for me. I had the chance to go to General Conference and it was amazing. As the closing prayer was being said in the first session I went to, it hit me, I had seen the prophet! I was in the same room as the prophet, I could see him standing in front of me, hear his voice echoing in the giant building. I had such a strong confirmation that President Monson is a prophet of God and that I got to see him. It just completely blew me away. I also loved all of the talks that were given this conference. I know I'm not the only one, but I feel that so may of them were directed towards me, and thinking about it, I felt so comforted in knowing I wasn't the only one in my situation, that there are others who understand what I'm going through. I believe it was Elder Cook who gave the talk, and in there he stated, "There is no affliction or sorrow that the atonement and the love of Christ cannot prevail." Or something to that effect. I needed to hear that. I seem to be forgetting lately that Christ understands what I go through in my life better than I do and that He has been there. I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior overflow into me when I heard that statement, and I know, I am not alone. No matter how dark the way may seem, I am never alone. I can't even begin to describe what joy I feel with that statement. The last thing I want to talk about is a section of scripture that has recently become my favorite: II Nephi 4:15-35. I learned through my Book of Mormon class that it is called the "Psalm of Nephi" and that "reading this psalm aloud can bring solace to a troubled soul." I highly recommend reading this section, it brought a lot of comfort to me and was the answer to a prayer. It's truly amazing how the Lord works through the scriptures.