Wow it has been a long time. So much has happened in my life. I find it truly amazing how much a person can change in a few short months, especially myself as I usually hate change. But not all change is bad as I have come to realize. Though I do believe that each good change brings about it's own set of pains. For whatever reason, light refuses to exist without dark. They are the definition of the dynamic duo. Never to be separated, and unable to do so. I know this fact so well, been acquainted with it so many times, but every single time it comes up again, I'm surprised. Sometimes I just wish I could have something good that doesn't have a dark shadow following it. But I suppose at the same time, the dark shadow is what makes the light so bright. It wouldn't be the same without it. Life is truly a roller-coaster. Guess I'll just have to raise up my arms and enjoy the ride, trusting I won't be thrown off the tracks. 

Fire

It amazes me how much can change in a single semester, as well as how much can stay the same. This past semester has brought me to several conclusions about myself and the people around me. I've discovered who my true friends are, I've discovered what I want from life, and I've discovered who I am. The hardest of those things for me to find was most definitely myself. I had an awesome experience on Friday night. With two of my closest friends, I watched a past that I no longer depend on, literally go up in smoke. It felt so good to know that part of my life is over forever.  It is a part of me, and I would never want to change that, but the pain is gone. I have never felt so happy and complete within myself. I can see where I can still grow and change and I'm not intimidated or let down by that. I look forward to the challenge and I can't wait to see what the future holds for me! I know more hard times are in the future, (it wouldn't be life otherwise!) but I know I can make it. I have great friends and family who love me and will see me through, not to mention my Heavenly Father and Christ. With all of them at my side, I know I can do anything! Thank you so much Agnes and Beth! You guys have saved me so many times! Thanks for loving me for who I am!

The Jabberwocky

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

This poem just really cracks me up. Another example of how someone's nonsense can be another's pleasure. This poem also got me thinking about the Jabberwocky that I have been facing in my life. I have come to find that this monster will never go away for good. No matter how many times I strike him down, he will be back. As my last post very blatantly states, this bothered me very much. But thankfully I have come to the realization that every situation that I come in, every Jabberwocky that I face is what I make it to be. Basically, I've needed to change my attitude. I've been putting unneeded pressure on myself to achieve, when I was already doing that. I've been holding onto things that just needed to fade in the past where they belong. Fade, but not be forgotten. I don't want to forget because those things have made me who I am, but not forgetting and letting go of those things are totally different, and I didn't realize that before. Anyway, I just want to say that I've changed my attitude towards life. While there will be many Jabberwockys in my life in the future, I know that if I put my trust and will in the Lord that all will turn out as it should in the end; He will not leave me to face these demons alone. With Him at my side, the Jabberwocky seems as silly as it sounds in the poem. I'm proud to say I'm not afraid anymore.

I want to live!

I find it amazing how so much time and effort can be put into something, and one day, one hour, can completely destroy it. I ask myself why, over and over again, why is this happening now? What am I supposed to do? I suppose everyone has days or weeks like that. Where life just feels like hell, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. That's the worse part for me, knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do, that everything is out of my control. I don't know how to push forward, to keep going, to fight what I'm feeling. I guess that is the only thing I can control, is how I react to life. What sucks is the fact that I reach a point where I just don't want to push anymore. I just want a chance to breathe, a chance to try and enjoy life. Enjoy where I am and what I'm trying to accomplish. But there never seems to be time for that. Well, until I snap and just refuse to do anything because I can't take it anymore. That's what happened today. I didn't wake up till 11:30, completely missed my calculus study session (I have a test Monday), and just ate a lot of chocolate and watched a movie. Best day I have had in ages and I don't regret it. Usually I would, but right now I just don't care. I'm tired of not being able to breathe, move, or think without feeling pressure and expectations. I have no idea how to fix that but I can't live like this anymore. I want to find joy in what I'm doing and who I am. I don't know what I have to change in myself to accomplish that, but something needs to change. I refuse to live like this. I just ate a Dove chocolate and the wrapper says, "Engage, embrace, enjoy". That is exactly what I want to do, and somehow I'm going to find the way. 

Pieces of Me

I find it amazing how much the past influences my life. A friend of mine would say that the past only affects me as much as I let it, and while that is true, I also find my past shapes who I am today. Indeed, the shadow my life casts upon the ground of time can sometimes be a better representation of who I am now, then the physical form the world sees. I sometimes wish I could let go of some of the things I've been through and just forget they ever happened. I viewed my life's shadow as being burdened by these things, distorted, in pain. And while sometimes the pain is still there, I now strongly feel that if I were to completely remove these things from myself, I would leave gaping holes in my soul. My shadow would not only be distorted, but incomplete and torn. I wouldn't be me. And while that may at times sound appealing, I do not think I would like the person I would be without those experiences. In the past month, I have had to face a lot of things that I thought were distortions and it has been a very challenging experience for me. I've had to learn what things are okay to hold onto and what things need to be let go. That's the hardest part, letting go. It's interesting how I don't want to let go of things that harmed me in the past. It doesn't make any sense, but I know it's true. I don't know why I make it so hard. I think it's because I want to change what happened and save some of the things I lost, some of the people I lost. I see just shells of who I once knew and loved. Actually, I take that back, I still love them; very much. But they are not the same people. I just hope that one day I will be able to look back on these experiences and recognize them for what they are; blessings. I have been shaped and molded into the person I am today because of the things I've experienced. Without all of these things, I would be an incomplete person, I would be missing pieces of myself. So this is a thank you to those individuals in my life who have helped me fill and find those pieces of myself that I couldn't see, or was afraid to seek on my own. I love you all, for who I was, and for who I'm becoming.

Spiritual Awakenings

I had the chance to spend the weekend with my two favorite uncles in the whole world and an aunt that is such a sweetheart and a fantastic cook. I loved going to their home, it was such a spirit booster for me. I had the chance to go to General Conference and it was amazing. As the closing prayer was being said in the first session I went to, it hit me, I had seen the prophet! I was in the same room as the prophet, I could see him standing in front of me, hear his voice echoing in the giant building. I had such a strong confirmation that President Monson is a prophet of God and that I got to see him. It just completely blew me away. I also loved all of the talks that were given this conference. I know I'm not the only one, but I feel that so may of them were directed towards me, and thinking about it, I felt so comforted in knowing I wasn't the only one in my situation, that there are others who understand what I'm going through. I believe it was Elder Cook who gave the talk, and in there he stated, "There is no affliction or sorrow that the atonement and the love of Christ cannot prevail." Or something to that effect. I needed to hear that. I seem to be forgetting lately that Christ understands what I go through in my life better than I do and that He has been there. I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior overflow into me when I heard that statement, and I know, I am not alone. No matter how dark the way may seem, I am never alone. I can't even begin to describe what joy I feel with that statement. The last thing I want to talk about is a section of scripture that has recently become my favorite: II Nephi 4:15-35. I learned through my Book of Mormon class that it is called the "Psalm of Nephi" and that "reading this psalm aloud can bring solace to a troubled soul." I highly recommend reading this section, it brought a lot of comfort to me and was the answer to a prayer. It's truly amazing how the Lord works through the scriptures. 

My Island

Do you have a world inside your mind? I do. It's a wonderful escape when reality is simply just falling short. In my world there are always stars in the sky and when I'm there I lay in soft grass, the cool wind brushes my face, and I feel complete serenity in this solitude. My paradise is an island and I can see the ocean surrounding me, yet there are mountains and forests that cover the terrain, the snow caps glowing in the moonlight and the trees swaying with the breeze, in time with the music that is silent, yet resounding inside of me. In this place I can do anything and be anything. I can choose to feel or not to feel, to be or not to be. In this magical state of mind, I can open my wings and fly until I become one with the wind and I travel into a state of complete freedom, the wind taking me where she feels. I feel complete control over myself and my surroundings and that power is so satisfying even if it is only real for that small moment when I'm on my island. I come back to earth and I feel as though I've been hit in the back of the head. Reality has too much gravity in it and not enough room to fly. But at the same time, I try and find the beauty around me and embrace it. For while I may always be able to escape to my island, if I could somehow find a way to escape in the beauty of this world, then I can only imagine what I would discover.