My Island

Do you have a world inside your mind? I do. It's a wonderful escape when reality is simply just falling short. In my world there are always stars in the sky and when I'm there I lay in soft grass, the cool wind brushes my face, and I feel complete serenity in this solitude. My paradise is an island and I can see the ocean surrounding me, yet there are mountains and forests that cover the terrain, the snow caps glowing in the moonlight and the trees swaying with the breeze, in time with the music that is silent, yet resounding inside of me. In this place I can do anything and be anything. I can choose to feel or not to feel, to be or not to be. In this magical state of mind, I can open my wings and fly until I become one with the wind and I travel into a state of complete freedom, the wind taking me where she feels. I feel complete control over myself and my surroundings and that power is so satisfying even if it is only real for that small moment when I'm on my island. I come back to earth and I feel as though I've been hit in the back of the head. Reality has too much gravity in it and not enough room to fly. But at the same time, I try and find the beauty around me and embrace it. For while I may always be able to escape to my island, if I could somehow find a way to escape in the beauty of this world, then I can only imagine what I would discover.

Real Courage

Courage. When this word comes up, it is usually in regards to some great "hero". A person who performs amazing acts of service. Not to diminish those acts, but I believe that the truest acts of courage occur when there is no applause or cheering crowds. Sadly enough, the most courageous acts I have ever witnessed or been told of, are those silent performances that are misunderstood by the public eye; and thus are usually scorned and taunted. I suppose the reason I am thinking about this, is that I have recently been told of people that have performed these secret acts of courage, but to those watching, it appeared to be a deceitful, stupid, or a wrong thing to do. And I just hope we will all remember that there is always another side to the story. That a person could be going through unspeakable pain or hardship, and that it is not our place to judge them. I know I have been situations like that fairly recently. I have come to a point where I have had to say no, or back out of things I wouldn't usually back out of, and it is because I needed to take care of myself. A broken wheel can't pull a cart, and a broken person can't help fix the world. One person that I know perfectly represents this kind of courage is my Savior, Jesus Christ. People refused to see what His actions meant, and convinced others that His acts were evil and wrong. Despite this, He quietly and lovingly healed the sick, raised the dead, and brought eternal truths to the earth. Christ had real courage. He didn't work for applause or fame, He worked for love. That is real courage. Facing the darkness when there seems to be no light ahead, but going forward with faith. I have so much respect and admiration for anyone who does that, especially because that is something I have a lot of trouble with sometimes. I guess I just need to remember that though the way may appear dark, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are right there next to me. If I hold onto that, I know I can make it through anything. 

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes

Which God gave me to hold.

He said, "Put your sorrows in the black box

And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes

Both my joys and sorrows I stored.

But though the gold became heavier each day

The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black

I wanted to find out why.

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole

Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused

"I wonder where my sorrows could be."

He smiled a gentle smile and said

"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked God why He gave me the boxes

Why the gold, and the black with the hole?

"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings

The black is for you to let go."

Freedom in Music

These past few days have been a little rough for me and I have found that I find great comfort in music. It's amazing how music can express the things a person is feeling that they can't express themselves. One of my most favorite things to do, is what I like to call "living the music". It's where I take a song and just let it completely enter inside of me. I let it take over every thought, feeling, and desire I have until it completely consumes me. It is so amazing to feel music work inside of you, to feel yourself move and change with it. It's amazing how much I find parts of myself when I breathe in music like that. More times then I can count, music has become my refuge. I discover that certain songs seem to create a whole new world inside of me, a place I can escape to when my own world is off balance. Between the rhythms, notes, melody, I can loose myself completely and fly; soar between the notes and let them take me away like the wind. And while the song may end, the notes dwindle then turn silent, and I return once again to my own mind, my own world; for those few short minutes, I feel free. Free inside the music.

Totally Agnus....

Today was "crack your head against the math book till your skull bleeds" day, and for those who don't know, that means Jennie goes a little crazy. I was in such a moment when Agnus gave me a call. I was at what I like to call "the psycho point". In this state of mind, the sad things become hugely depressing, and the funny things are simply hysterical. In our conversation, Agnus proceeded to tell me how her body is falling apart but how there is a silver lining in that she gets to spend a fair amount of time on her "bottom", collapsed upon the couch, relaxing. That sure sounded good to me at the time as I was doing the devil's work a.k.a. calculus. Anyway, in mid sentence, Agnus suddenly declares "I can't believe I got this!", and starts to laugh. For the sake of the family name, I am afraid I cannot continue. I will only say this; these items that Agnus so mistakenly stumbled upon (so she claims), got this reaction out of a boy I was studying with, "Tell her to hold on to them. You never know." To which Agnus replied, "Is he volunteering?" Fill in the gaps how you will, just know whatever thoughts you may have....you're probably right. Oh and Agnus, remember, you've only got two....

Cliff Diving

I've heard that life is a journey; that is full of turns, forks in the road, etc. But what everyone forgets to mention, is the flippin' cliffs that creep up out of no where! Sometimes I feel like I just jumped to avoid a ditch, and the next thing I know, I trip on a rock on the way down, and end up skidding over the edge of a giant precipice. The worst part, is when I finally come to a stop, and I'm hanging on by the edge of my finger tips, and I just keep trying and trying to pull myself up. Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't. Gravity usually wins out, and I fall. And the more I think about it, the more I feel that I've been falling for a long time. So now I have to make a decision, do I keep falling or do I try to fly?

I want nothing more right now then to see my family, hug Tink, then go to the strip, eat wonderfully fattening food, and jump on elevators with Beth and Agnus. Oh and if we threw some chocolate into the picture, that would just make it a hundred times better.

Call me a maniac!

"Be fanatics. When it comes to being, doing and dreaming the best, be maniacs." ~A.M. Rosenthal

This quote got me thinking. I've always heard the idea of "reach for the stars" in regards to dreams. This thought always brings this mental image to my mind: some person standing with their arms raised high above their heads, arms straining, reaching for those bright patches of light that are so far above them, impossible to reach. So now I'm considering the question, why do we reach? Why do we try so hard to obtain what appears to be impossible? It's an intriguing question really. But I think that the reaching is what makes dreams so amazing. What would be the point of going after something that has been done? What would there be to aspire for? So I have decided that I want to be a maniac. I want to reach for the stars until my arms fall off. And people may laugh and point and call me crazy but when I finally grab that star and fly to the moon, they will be eating my dust. Then who will be laughing? Anyway, I just think it's so cool that God has given us the desire to reach for the things that appear impossible. He gives us a chance to see how strong our spirits really are. So call me a "fanatical maniac", I'm going to chase those dreams, and catch me some stars.