Quotes on fear

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." ~Frank Herbert

"As for courage and will - we cannot measure how much of each lies within us, we can only trust there will be sufficient to carry through trials which may lie ahead." ~Andre Norton

I hope I have the courage to face my fears. These quotes are exactly what I wish for myself, I just hope I can find that strength, that courage inside. 

First night as a college student

So as of now I love a lot of thing about college. For example, it is nearly one in the morning and I'm not hiding under my sheets to write this blog. I got Subway at nine and ice cream at ten. Which would not happen if I was at home. What did make today really hard was just being in a different place and simply not being home. I hate change, hence I have had the same order at Subway for the past three years. If it ain't broke, don't fix it; that is something I live by. What was really awesome about tonight was that I got to meet up with Chelsea Nitta and my new roomie Lauren Sagers and we watched "How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days". I was laughing so hard. The whole love fern concept just cracked me up. So now I'm in my dorm room, and really missing home, but I think as long as I keep busy I will be ok. Anyway I'm going running in the morning, because this food will kill me if I don't exercise, thus I need to go to bed. Night all!

See you later Vegas! Thanks for everything!

As my final hours in Vegas are ticking away, I find it only fitting to blog at such a moment as this. It is so hard to describe what I am feeling right now. I'd have to say it's a little bit of everything. There are some things I cannot wait to get away from, and others I feel like it will kill me to leave. Though ultimately I know, and have proof on my wrist, that just because I won't physically be here in Vegas, doesn't mean that the important part of Vegas won't be with me. It's so comforting knowing that the people I love and care about are still here and as Agnus told me, "There are more memories to be made!" I look forward to those memories. As the saying goes, each day is a gift. Whether the gift is old socks or a new car, the gifts are given for a reason, and I just need to figure out what each one is for. Especially the old socks. I have a feeling those are very significant despite the shabby appearance. Anyway, here's to you Vegas! I am who I am because of the people you provided. . .  for better or worse! And I can't wait for the future memories that will be created due to your influence. The adventure has only begun! 

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." ~Anais Nin. 

So Agnus and Beth...what world have you created in me? :)

Flying fries....goodbye sanity!

So it has been one of those nights where I discover two things: one, I am so grateful for the word of wisdom, and two, being wired is so spontaneously fantastical! It is the best feeling being so happy no matter where you are or who you're with! And if you're hanging out with Beth* and Agnus* it's bound to be a party. A disclaimer about that actually. If you hang out with them you should be aware of a few things. One, someone, sometime, is going to need a bib, and if you are with Beth and Agnus, you are bound to run into people that are either wearing something extremely sparkly, have a unibrow, or are wearing fishnets. In that case you are going to need a few things to make the night a complete success. Red Bull, french fries, and someone gullible enough to let you throw the french fries at them. Though those things may not seem to connect in any way, believe me when I say, they do. Oh and it helps to have an amazing waitress who thinks throwing french fries at Ms. Gullible is hilarious too. And if Beth and Agnus happen to be simply the most amazing friends in the world, well then that just makes the night totally stupendous. The only thing that could make this whole night better, is if instead of the medium, I got the large. Thank you Beth and Agnus for making me live outside the box and letting me enjoy the ride!!!!

*Names have been changed to save said individual's families from receiving a "bad name".

Awesome quote....

"We have to become more conscious of our feeling-world. By learning to identify the "emotional baggage" and manage our feeling-world reactions, we can view life based on current information instead of being held captive by our past. However, since emotional processes can work faster than the mind, it takes a power stronger than the mind to bend perception, override emotional circuitry, and provide us with intuitive feeling instead. It takes the power of the heart." ~Doc Childre

Being alone or feeling alone, completely different things

The concept of being alone has always fascinated me. In the world today, a person is hardly ever truly alone. There is always a cell phone, computer, or another communication device handy, where someone is begging for your attention. Why is it then that a person can feel totally and completely isolated in this world where no one is ever alone? Is it a state of mind? A state of being? What causes a person to feel that way? Why is it so hard to find comfort from this isolation even when that comfort comes from other people? It's so strange to me. I don't understand why someone can feel alone, and yet being with other people brings no comfort. As I'm typing this I think I kind of have an answer. I wonder if it's because this isolation really is inside of ourselves and has really nothing to do with external forces. So as weird as it sounds, I think that we need to learn how to not feel alone inside, despite what is going on around us. Interesting concept. Not feeling alone yet physically being alone. Two completely different things. I wonder if anyone has really mastered that. And if they have, I wonder what it would feel like to never be lonely.

A New Chapter

Today was my last day of church with my home ward before going off to college. I have to admit, it took a lot to hold back the tears. Change is an interesting process. For myself, I dread it beyond anything else that I know. I hate the uncertainty change brings, the fear i feel. It bothers me that I feel like I have found my spot in the world and now it's all about to, well change. I can't imagine being anywhere but here in Meadows 8th Ward, Meadows Stake. I love it here. It is going to be so hard leaving home. But the closer it gets, I am happy to say, I am finally starting to get a little excited. I know that I am going where I am supposed to be. I just need to have faith in that. As I have also discovered, as much as I fight it, change can be a good thing. I just hope that this change I am about to make will be a good thing in my life. I will miss home so much, but I am excited to see where I can go in my life. There is so much work to do, and so much fun to experience that it would really be a shame to miss that because I'm afraid. I truly am terrified but I am going to do my best to embrace this new chapter in my life and find the good in this change. So ultimately, I would like to say goodbye to my home ward and thank you for everything you've done. I will never forget you. This is the end of one chapter, and hopefully, the beginning of another that will be just as amazing as the last.

Words not said...

You know what I think is amazing? How not only words can destroy a person, but the lack of words. We always consider the insults or gossip that we hear, process them, think on them, and then give those words the credit for how crappy we feel about ourselves. What we fail to realize that more often or not, it's the words not said that hurt us the most. Why didn't that friend speak up when this rumor came around? Why didn't so-and-so defend me? Why didn't they come to my aid? No it's not the insults that really hurt us, it's the words not said that do. Because deep down inside of us, we know that if even if several friends betrayed us, if even one friend stood up and defended us, we would make it through, we would be alright. This hit me hard tonight. In the end it won't be words that kill me, but the silence. Silence will be my destroying angel, the devil who leads me down to my own personal hell. The demon whose sole purpose is to destroy me. He will be carried by the winds of silence, not the tornado of words. 

"Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. If we continue to develop our technology without wisdom or prudence, our servant may prove to be our executioner." ~General Omar Bradley

Another quote night. I have to admit I love them. This quote intrigued me, as I find it completely true. Technology is making the people of this society unable to communicate in face to face conversations. Many times, I have overheard people talking about how they are afraid to say something in person, but are more then willing to say whatever it is over some form of technology where they are hidden from whomever they are speaking to. Unless a person makes the choice to develop their own ability to publicly speak what they feel, technology will create a world where the average person will be afraid to speak their mind unless it's from behind a phone or PC. Imagine the President texting his State of the Union address instead of physically addressing the nation. People are already afraid, imagine if the most powerful man in the world was afraid to face his own nation because he lacked communication skills. Yes that is a bit dramatic, but the point is, technology will take over our lives to the point of us completely loosing our communication skills if we let it. And I don't know about you, but I have a "lack of communication" as it is, I don't need anymore help.

"The future is not a result of choices among alternative paths offered by the present, but a place that is created--created first in the mind and will, created next in activity. The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination." ~John Schaar

I love that quote. I've been thinking about my future a lot and about the changes that are about to take place in my life. I have been afraid of what lies in store for me, the unknown and untrodden. But what this quote has helped me realize, I am not headed for something, I am creating something. I am embarking on a journey where I am deciding what the destination is, the destination is not chosen for me. So it makes me wonder then, why am I still scared? If I am choosing what my destination is going to be, then I won't be choosing something that is worth fearing. I will be choosing something that is completely for me. This decision, this future, will be one of the first journeys I will go on where my decisions are completely my own. I get to choose for myself, where I want to go, who I want to be. It's the most terrifyingly amazing feeling in the world. For the first time in my life, my future is my own. I get to choose where I go, who I meet, what I do, and I don't have to report back to anyone. It's a scary and exciting idea. I am reassured by the fact that I have had wonderful parents and leaders in my life who have helped me learn to recognize what kind of path I want to create, the kind of path that will make me happy. But what I like is that from here on out, my paths will be chosen completely by me, without someone breathing down my neck. I'm standing at the edge of a cliff, preparing to fly. I'm afraid of the fall, but I can't wait to get a good look at the view. It will undoubtedly, be unforgettable.

Ignorance is bliss...dedicated to Kirsten

"Ignorance is bliss". I was thinking about that tonight, and have decided it is nonsense. Ignorance is not bliss, it is contentment. Bliss is joy that goes above and beyond the norm, contentment is simply being satisfied, which really defines the point of ignorance. Those who believe that "ignorance is bliss" are really afraid of actual happiness. Real happiness can only come to those who seek it out and to seek, one needs to learn about oneself. Ignorance is the absence of knowledge. It is that knowledge of evil which creates fear inside a person and stops them from seeking the knowledge of good. To have one inside of ourselves, we must have the other. Light cannot exist without dark, such as our happiness cannot exist without pain. It's something I most definitely need to work on, but this statement came to me the other day: if a person looks inside their soul and finds shadows dancing, that only means that a greater light is shining inside of them, chasing out the darkness and creating the shadows. So I have a new goal in my life, I want to recognize the light that creates the shadows inside of me, and not the shadows themselves. I need to learn to take the bad with the good, and recognize that if I have shadows at all, that just means I have light as well. And if I hold onto that, I think the shadows in my life will not seem that dark.

2:35 A.M. and 23 sec

I have come to a few conclusions, one: I cannot party, two: no sleep makes me crazy, and three: french fries really hit the spot at midnight. Oh and Sarah's name does not start with a "k". While I have your attention I would like to address the action of "laughing till you cry". Whats with that? Don't get me wrong, I love doing that it's hilarious, (obviously), but really it doesn't make sense. I guess anatomically it does, but emotionally? Not so much. I cry when I'm sad....not when I'm happy. I've heard of some people doing that, and don't take this the wrong way people, whomever you may be, but I don't get that. I mean if you cry when you're happy, I sure don't want to be there when you REALLY have emotional trama in your life. Talk about the floodgates opening and the dam breaking to a whole bunch of unstoppable waterworks. Those reading keep in mind, it is now 2:41 in the a.m. so I therefore take no responsibility for any of the things said above. If you enjoyed it, then I take full responsibilty for that enjoyment. I accept donations for college in the form of cash, checks, cars, food, etc. Have a wonderful morning, this is Jennie Purcell, finally, going to sleep.