Wow it has been a long time. So much has happened in my life. I find it truly amazing how much a person can change in a few short months, especially myself as I usually hate change. But not all change is bad as I have come to realize. Though I do believe that each good change brings about it's own set of pains. For whatever reason, light refuses to exist without dark. They are the definition of the dynamic duo. Never to be separated, and unable to do so. I know this fact so well, been acquainted with it so many times, but every single time it comes up again, I'm surprised. Sometimes I just wish I could have something good that doesn't have a dark shadow following it. But I suppose at the same time, the dark shadow is what makes the light so bright. It wouldn't be the same without it. Life is truly a roller-coaster. Guess I'll just have to raise up my arms and enjoy the ride, trusting I won't be thrown off the tracks. 

Fire

It amazes me how much can change in a single semester, as well as how much can stay the same. This past semester has brought me to several conclusions about myself and the people around me. I've discovered who my true friends are, I've discovered what I want from life, and I've discovered who I am. The hardest of those things for me to find was most definitely myself. I had an awesome experience on Friday night. With two of my closest friends, I watched a past that I no longer depend on, literally go up in smoke. It felt so good to know that part of my life is over forever.  It is a part of me, and I would never want to change that, but the pain is gone. I have never felt so happy and complete within myself. I can see where I can still grow and change and I'm not intimidated or let down by that. I look forward to the challenge and I can't wait to see what the future holds for me! I know more hard times are in the future, (it wouldn't be life otherwise!) but I know I can make it. I have great friends and family who love me and will see me through, not to mention my Heavenly Father and Christ. With all of them at my side, I know I can do anything! Thank you so much Agnes and Beth! You guys have saved me so many times! Thanks for loving me for who I am!

The Jabberwocky

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!"
He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

This poem just really cracks me up. Another example of how someone's nonsense can be another's pleasure. This poem also got me thinking about the Jabberwocky that I have been facing in my life. I have come to find that this monster will never go away for good. No matter how many times I strike him down, he will be back. As my last post very blatantly states, this bothered me very much. But thankfully I have come to the realization that every situation that I come in, every Jabberwocky that I face is what I make it to be. Basically, I've needed to change my attitude. I've been putting unneeded pressure on myself to achieve, when I was already doing that. I've been holding onto things that just needed to fade in the past where they belong. Fade, but not be forgotten. I don't want to forget because those things have made me who I am, but not forgetting and letting go of those things are totally different, and I didn't realize that before. Anyway, I just want to say that I've changed my attitude towards life. While there will be many Jabberwockys in my life in the future, I know that if I put my trust and will in the Lord that all will turn out as it should in the end; He will not leave me to face these demons alone. With Him at my side, the Jabberwocky seems as silly as it sounds in the poem. I'm proud to say I'm not afraid anymore.

I want to live!

I find it amazing how so much time and effort can be put into something, and one day, one hour, can completely destroy it. I ask myself why, over and over again, why is this happening now? What am I supposed to do? I suppose everyone has days or weeks like that. Where life just feels like hell, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. That's the worse part for me, knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do, that everything is out of my control. I don't know how to push forward, to keep going, to fight what I'm feeling. I guess that is the only thing I can control, is how I react to life. What sucks is the fact that I reach a point where I just don't want to push anymore. I just want a chance to breathe, a chance to try and enjoy life. Enjoy where I am and what I'm trying to accomplish. But there never seems to be time for that. Well, until I snap and just refuse to do anything because I can't take it anymore. That's what happened today. I didn't wake up till 11:30, completely missed my calculus study session (I have a test Monday), and just ate a lot of chocolate and watched a movie. Best day I have had in ages and I don't regret it. Usually I would, but right now I just don't care. I'm tired of not being able to breathe, move, or think without feeling pressure and expectations. I have no idea how to fix that but I can't live like this anymore. I want to find joy in what I'm doing and who I am. I don't know what I have to change in myself to accomplish that, but something needs to change. I refuse to live like this. I just ate a Dove chocolate and the wrapper says, "Engage, embrace, enjoy". That is exactly what I want to do, and somehow I'm going to find the way. 

Pieces of Me

I find it amazing how much the past influences my life. A friend of mine would say that the past only affects me as much as I let it, and while that is true, I also find my past shapes who I am today. Indeed, the shadow my life casts upon the ground of time can sometimes be a better representation of who I am now, then the physical form the world sees. I sometimes wish I could let go of some of the things I've been through and just forget they ever happened. I viewed my life's shadow as being burdened by these things, distorted, in pain. And while sometimes the pain is still there, I now strongly feel that if I were to completely remove these things from myself, I would leave gaping holes in my soul. My shadow would not only be distorted, but incomplete and torn. I wouldn't be me. And while that may at times sound appealing, I do not think I would like the person I would be without those experiences. In the past month, I have had to face a lot of things that I thought were distortions and it has been a very challenging experience for me. I've had to learn what things are okay to hold onto and what things need to be let go. That's the hardest part, letting go. It's interesting how I don't want to let go of things that harmed me in the past. It doesn't make any sense, but I know it's true. I don't know why I make it so hard. I think it's because I want to change what happened and save some of the things I lost, some of the people I lost. I see just shells of who I once knew and loved. Actually, I take that back, I still love them; very much. But they are not the same people. I just hope that one day I will be able to look back on these experiences and recognize them for what they are; blessings. I have been shaped and molded into the person I am today because of the things I've experienced. Without all of these things, I would be an incomplete person, I would be missing pieces of myself. So this is a thank you to those individuals in my life who have helped me fill and find those pieces of myself that I couldn't see, or was afraid to seek on my own. I love you all, for who I was, and for who I'm becoming.

Spiritual Awakenings

I had the chance to spend the weekend with my two favorite uncles in the whole world and an aunt that is such a sweetheart and a fantastic cook. I loved going to their home, it was such a spirit booster for me. I had the chance to go to General Conference and it was amazing. As the closing prayer was being said in the first session I went to, it hit me, I had seen the prophet! I was in the same room as the prophet, I could see him standing in front of me, hear his voice echoing in the giant building. I had such a strong confirmation that President Monson is a prophet of God and that I got to see him. It just completely blew me away. I also loved all of the talks that were given this conference. I know I'm not the only one, but I feel that so may of them were directed towards me, and thinking about it, I felt so comforted in knowing I wasn't the only one in my situation, that there are others who understand what I'm going through. I believe it was Elder Cook who gave the talk, and in there he stated, "There is no affliction or sorrow that the atonement and the love of Christ cannot prevail." Or something to that effect. I needed to hear that. I seem to be forgetting lately that Christ understands what I go through in my life better than I do and that He has been there. I felt the love of my Heavenly Father and Savior overflow into me when I heard that statement, and I know, I am not alone. No matter how dark the way may seem, I am never alone. I can't even begin to describe what joy I feel with that statement. The last thing I want to talk about is a section of scripture that has recently become my favorite: II Nephi 4:15-35. I learned through my Book of Mormon class that it is called the "Psalm of Nephi" and that "reading this psalm aloud can bring solace to a troubled soul." I highly recommend reading this section, it brought a lot of comfort to me and was the answer to a prayer. It's truly amazing how the Lord works through the scriptures. 

My Island

Do you have a world inside your mind? I do. It's a wonderful escape when reality is simply just falling short. In my world there are always stars in the sky and when I'm there I lay in soft grass, the cool wind brushes my face, and I feel complete serenity in this solitude. My paradise is an island and I can see the ocean surrounding me, yet there are mountains and forests that cover the terrain, the snow caps glowing in the moonlight and the trees swaying with the breeze, in time with the music that is silent, yet resounding inside of me. In this place I can do anything and be anything. I can choose to feel or not to feel, to be or not to be. In this magical state of mind, I can open my wings and fly until I become one with the wind and I travel into a state of complete freedom, the wind taking me where she feels. I feel complete control over myself and my surroundings and that power is so satisfying even if it is only real for that small moment when I'm on my island. I come back to earth and I feel as though I've been hit in the back of the head. Reality has too much gravity in it and not enough room to fly. But at the same time, I try and find the beauty around me and embrace it. For while I may always be able to escape to my island, if I could somehow find a way to escape in the beauty of this world, then I can only imagine what I would discover.

Real Courage

Courage. When this word comes up, it is usually in regards to some great "hero". A person who performs amazing acts of service. Not to diminish those acts, but I believe that the truest acts of courage occur when there is no applause or cheering crowds. Sadly enough, the most courageous acts I have ever witnessed or been told of, are those silent performances that are misunderstood by the public eye; and thus are usually scorned and taunted. I suppose the reason I am thinking about this, is that I have recently been told of people that have performed these secret acts of courage, but to those watching, it appeared to be a deceitful, stupid, or a wrong thing to do. And I just hope we will all remember that there is always another side to the story. That a person could be going through unspeakable pain or hardship, and that it is not our place to judge them. I know I have been situations like that fairly recently. I have come to a point where I have had to say no, or back out of things I wouldn't usually back out of, and it is because I needed to take care of myself. A broken wheel can't pull a cart, and a broken person can't help fix the world. One person that I know perfectly represents this kind of courage is my Savior, Jesus Christ. People refused to see what His actions meant, and convinced others that His acts were evil and wrong. Despite this, He quietly and lovingly healed the sick, raised the dead, and brought eternal truths to the earth. Christ had real courage. He didn't work for applause or fame, He worked for love. That is real courage. Facing the darkness when there seems to be no light ahead, but going forward with faith. I have so much respect and admiration for anyone who does that, especially because that is something I have a lot of trouble with sometimes. I guess I just need to remember that though the way may appear dark, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are right there next to me. If I hold onto that, I know I can make it through anything. 

God's Boxes

I have in my hands two boxes

Which God gave me to hold.

He said, "Put your sorrows in the black box

And all your joys in the gold."

I heeded His words, and in the two boxes

Both my joys and sorrows I stored.

But though the gold became heavier each day

The black was as light as before.

With curiosity, I opened the black

I wanted to find out why.

And I saw, in the base of the box, a hole

Which my sorrows had fallen out by.

I showed the hole to God, and mused

"I wonder where my sorrows could be."

He smiled a gentle smile and said

"My child, they're all here with me."

I asked God why He gave me the boxes

Why the gold, and the black with the hole?

"My child, the gold is for you to count your blessings

The black is for you to let go."

Freedom in Music

These past few days have been a little rough for me and I have found that I find great comfort in music. It's amazing how music can express the things a person is feeling that they can't express themselves. One of my most favorite things to do, is what I like to call "living the music". It's where I take a song and just let it completely enter inside of me. I let it take over every thought, feeling, and desire I have until it completely consumes me. It is so amazing to feel music work inside of you, to feel yourself move and change with it. It's amazing how much I find parts of myself when I breathe in music like that. More times then I can count, music has become my refuge. I discover that certain songs seem to create a whole new world inside of me, a place I can escape to when my own world is off balance. Between the rhythms, notes, melody, I can loose myself completely and fly; soar between the notes and let them take me away like the wind. And while the song may end, the notes dwindle then turn silent, and I return once again to my own mind, my own world; for those few short minutes, I feel free. Free inside the music.

Totally Agnus....

Today was "crack your head against the math book till your skull bleeds" day, and for those who don't know, that means Jennie goes a little crazy. I was in such a moment when Agnus gave me a call. I was at what I like to call "the psycho point". In this state of mind, the sad things become hugely depressing, and the funny things are simply hysterical. In our conversation, Agnus proceeded to tell me how her body is falling apart but how there is a silver lining in that she gets to spend a fair amount of time on her "bottom", collapsed upon the couch, relaxing. That sure sounded good to me at the time as I was doing the devil's work a.k.a. calculus. Anyway, in mid sentence, Agnus suddenly declares "I can't believe I got this!", and starts to laugh. For the sake of the family name, I am afraid I cannot continue. I will only say this; these items that Agnus so mistakenly stumbled upon (so she claims), got this reaction out of a boy I was studying with, "Tell her to hold on to them. You never know." To which Agnus replied, "Is he volunteering?" Fill in the gaps how you will, just know whatever thoughts you may have....you're probably right. Oh and Agnus, remember, you've only got two....

Cliff Diving

I've heard that life is a journey; that is full of turns, forks in the road, etc. But what everyone forgets to mention, is the flippin' cliffs that creep up out of no where! Sometimes I feel like I just jumped to avoid a ditch, and the next thing I know, I trip on a rock on the way down, and end up skidding over the edge of a giant precipice. The worst part, is when I finally come to a stop, and I'm hanging on by the edge of my finger tips, and I just keep trying and trying to pull myself up. Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn't. Gravity usually wins out, and I fall. And the more I think about it, the more I feel that I've been falling for a long time. So now I have to make a decision, do I keep falling or do I try to fly?

I want nothing more right now then to see my family, hug Tink, then go to the strip, eat wonderfully fattening food, and jump on elevators with Beth and Agnus. Oh and if we threw some chocolate into the picture, that would just make it a hundred times better.

Call me a maniac!

"Be fanatics. When it comes to being, doing and dreaming the best, be maniacs." ~A.M. Rosenthal

This quote got me thinking. I've always heard the idea of "reach for the stars" in regards to dreams. This thought always brings this mental image to my mind: some person standing with their arms raised high above their heads, arms straining, reaching for those bright patches of light that are so far above them, impossible to reach. So now I'm considering the question, why do we reach? Why do we try so hard to obtain what appears to be impossible? It's an intriguing question really. But I think that the reaching is what makes dreams so amazing. What would be the point of going after something that has been done? What would there be to aspire for? So I have decided that I want to be a maniac. I want to reach for the stars until my arms fall off. And people may laugh and point and call me crazy but when I finally grab that star and fly to the moon, they will be eating my dust. Then who will be laughing? Anyway, I just think it's so cool that God has given us the desire to reach for the things that appear impossible. He gives us a chance to see how strong our spirits really are. So call me a "fanatical maniac", I'm going to chase those dreams, and catch me some stars.

Quotes on fear

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." ~Frank Herbert

"As for courage and will - we cannot measure how much of each lies within us, we can only trust there will be sufficient to carry through trials which may lie ahead." ~Andre Norton

I hope I have the courage to face my fears. These quotes are exactly what I wish for myself, I just hope I can find that strength, that courage inside. 

First night as a college student

So as of now I love a lot of thing about college. For example, it is nearly one in the morning and I'm not hiding under my sheets to write this blog. I got Subway at nine and ice cream at ten. Which would not happen if I was at home. What did make today really hard was just being in a different place and simply not being home. I hate change, hence I have had the same order at Subway for the past three years. If it ain't broke, don't fix it; that is something I live by. What was really awesome about tonight was that I got to meet up with Chelsea Nitta and my new roomie Lauren Sagers and we watched "How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days". I was laughing so hard. The whole love fern concept just cracked me up. So now I'm in my dorm room, and really missing home, but I think as long as I keep busy I will be ok. Anyway I'm going running in the morning, because this food will kill me if I don't exercise, thus I need to go to bed. Night all!

See you later Vegas! Thanks for everything!

As my final hours in Vegas are ticking away, I find it only fitting to blog at such a moment as this. It is so hard to describe what I am feeling right now. I'd have to say it's a little bit of everything. There are some things I cannot wait to get away from, and others I feel like it will kill me to leave. Though ultimately I know, and have proof on my wrist, that just because I won't physically be here in Vegas, doesn't mean that the important part of Vegas won't be with me. It's so comforting knowing that the people I love and care about are still here and as Agnus told me, "There are more memories to be made!" I look forward to those memories. As the saying goes, each day is a gift. Whether the gift is old socks or a new car, the gifts are given for a reason, and I just need to figure out what each one is for. Especially the old socks. I have a feeling those are very significant despite the shabby appearance. Anyway, here's to you Vegas! I am who I am because of the people you provided. . .  for better or worse! And I can't wait for the future memories that will be created due to your influence. The adventure has only begun! 

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." ~Anais Nin. 

So Agnus and Beth...what world have you created in me? :)

Flying fries....goodbye sanity!

So it has been one of those nights where I discover two things: one, I am so grateful for the word of wisdom, and two, being wired is so spontaneously fantastical! It is the best feeling being so happy no matter where you are or who you're with! And if you're hanging out with Beth* and Agnus* it's bound to be a party. A disclaimer about that actually. If you hang out with them you should be aware of a few things. One, someone, sometime, is going to need a bib, and if you are with Beth and Agnus, you are bound to run into people that are either wearing something extremely sparkly, have a unibrow, or are wearing fishnets. In that case you are going to need a few things to make the night a complete success. Red Bull, french fries, and someone gullible enough to let you throw the french fries at them. Though those things may not seem to connect in any way, believe me when I say, they do. Oh and it helps to have an amazing waitress who thinks throwing french fries at Ms. Gullible is hilarious too. And if Beth and Agnus happen to be simply the most amazing friends in the world, well then that just makes the night totally stupendous. The only thing that could make this whole night better, is if instead of the medium, I got the large. Thank you Beth and Agnus for making me live outside the box and letting me enjoy the ride!!!!

*Names have been changed to save said individual's families from receiving a "bad name".

Awesome quote....

"We have to become more conscious of our feeling-world. By learning to identify the "emotional baggage" and manage our feeling-world reactions, we can view life based on current information instead of being held captive by our past. However, since emotional processes can work faster than the mind, it takes a power stronger than the mind to bend perception, override emotional circuitry, and provide us with intuitive feeling instead. It takes the power of the heart." ~Doc Childre